Why self-discovery is in vain

28 years I spent on self-discovery. 

15 Jobs I quitted in order to realize it is not me. 

4 continents I travelled through to discover myself in any culture one can imagine, but discovering nothing but my old patterns. 

Until I came to that very discussion today, where my friend told me as a negligible fact: "I do not believe in self-discovery". You cannot go to Timbuktu and be all peaceful, and thats the real you, coming back in the office and then you are angry again. Which one is you then? You are then peaceful one in Timbuktu and you are the angry one in the office."

I asked myself: Now why is it that I went for Timbuktu in the first place? And I went to so many Timbuktus all around the world, only to discover, that it wasn't me. None of them.

And she said: "The only thing you CAN do, is self-creation. You can choose who you want to be and create that person! That's it!" 

Here we go, after all these years of world traveling, being anywhere in the middle of nowhere, I came back and it is an old friend giving me the answer to all my seeking: self-creation. 

I have been asking myself the wrong questions all the way long!

It is not, who am I? But, who do I want to be? And maybe not even, who do I want to be. But, how do I want to feel? What is the purpose of life?

And that one is easy, right? I want to feel happy. Not just once a week or every two days. But 24 hours, 7 days a week. And when will I be in that state? If I made happiness a habit, but a choice or a path or aim in life. Then I'll be happy all day long. If my minds habit would be happiness. That is the formula. 

a shaman's conversation

I love that.
_I love that, too.
You don't exist.
_yeah, I do.
Well then, prove it.
_Isn't that what you are reading proof enough?
No it ain't-
_Well, tell me what to do!
Laugh out loud
_I can't!
Why?
_You know why!
So tell me again.
_I only exist in your head.
Well, so you are saying, I am schizophrenic. So all the doctors were correct with their diagnosis.
_Well, they are shamans, too.

Before you win you have to loose

One always starts out with the question, what can I win? What is my target, what are my aims?
What do I WANT? Where do I want to go and Who do I want to be?

Now fine, yes, you need to know the answers to all these questions. However, before you find out the path and all its clues, you'll need to check out what you gonna loose. And if you do not check it out, it will sooner or later hit you anyway.

So what are you willing to pay? What are you willing to let go? What will you have to leave behind? Which pains can you endure? Is it all worth it are you asking? And your motivation is already gone?

Then better don't start the journey! I tell you why, you must love the process as much as you love your aims. As a matter of fact, you'll need to love the process even more than your aims. Otherwise you'll never get to your destination.

For instance, take traveling. Aren't you always on some sort of journey, going somewhere? You need to know, that you can take the ride, otherwise, even if you arrived at the beach. What use will all the sun and sand have if you are sick to death?

So go back and resit your thoughts. Are you ready to give up your Self? Yes, change that self, that likes to lean back and watch youtube? Are you ready to take off? Make sure you're ready for the ride.

crisis - a definition

In most dictionaries a crisis is found to be some kind of problematic situation, e.g. Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary, where the crisis is “a time of great danger, difficulty or confusion when problems must be solved or important decisions must be made” (Oxford Advanced Learners’ Dictionary 1995, 265). It is distinguished between medical, personal, economical and political aspects (Oxford Advanced Learners’ Dictionary 1995, 265). However, they fail to express the chances provided by a crisis, a time of transition, an opportunity to change. A rather neutral interpretation can be found in the medical or personal context, where a crisis is a certain level in the development of a sickness. The resolution of the crisis is to determine whether the patient recovers or dies (Holton 1987, 504).

The quotation „every transition is crisis, and isn’t crisis sickness?” of Goethe’s Wilhelm Meister’s apprenticeship depicts the idea of a crisis far more clearly.

By the first part, Goethe expresses the idea of a crisis as a transition. 
When continuing his sentence, his initially rather neutral description receives a negative connotation, whereby one has to consider that this amendment has the character of a rhetorical question. In light of this expression, Goethe reveals the peculiarity of a crisis. 
The crisis regarded to as a transition, has positive and negative aspects. Nevertheless, Goethe calls it also “sickness”, because it forces the involved subjects to act, which is a deviation of normality and depending on the degree of anomaly could be quite threatening and dangerous. 
However, one has doubts about the nature of interpretation, saying such situations are only disadvantageous, especially when regarded to as speeding up a necessary transition,  which is why Goethe phrased his assertion as a rhetorical question and leaves it open to interpretation.

So in general, a crisis is an unstable situation, in which subjects are forced to take decisions, which have substantial consequences for the agents or the involved, with a good or bad outcome. The process of transition itself is accompanied by uncertainty, pressure and in some cases danger.

Keeping Goethe’s definition of crisis in mind the economic, environmental, social and personal or psychic crisis can be understand as being the possibility of a transition, a change to a more just

and healthy society in harmony with nature, but this decision has to be made individually. 

the doubts about travelling

today i went to the town hall to pick up my new passport. in order to travel you gotta have a valid one - well not necessarily but it does make things a lot easier, right?!

while standing in line, i was watching that old lady who was moving so slow that you would become angry only by looking at her. german bureaucracy. not better than anywhere else on the world.

my mind started wandering. so here again, i stood. another passport. another flight. a new destination. only a week ago i was thinking about to settle for study or work. somewhere. everything is better than moving restlessly, right?

no aim, no money, no nothing.

just getting hold of some cash and then moving on to the next adventure. spending it only to be followed by a thousand side jobs.
the same cycle again and again. what's all this about?
what's gonna happen after this trip? where will i be next year? what do i do if i run out of cash, stucking somewhere in the middle of nowhere? what about my career?

 ----- i paused. ---- that's one of the worst /

////here we are - doubts. the doubts about my lifestyle. if i don't watch my thoughts, they come. first they whisper so gentle you won't even hear them, and suddenly they are breaking your door and you realize "whooou they have been there a while now!" so long that you cannot imagine that they do not actually belong there. 

i heard my name. i focused. the old lady was shouting angrily at me. i started moving.
after all, what is it all really about? is everybody really happier staying at one place? does it really matter who i become, as long as i am?
i hand in the papers, my old passport.
"do you want to keep it?" she asked. i hesitated. maybe? why not? all the stamps, all the memories...
"no thank you." - after all you gotta move on!

relieved i rushed out of the town hall. the wind of freedom blows out here.